Why am I so down about my continued interest in toys? It's obvious: I'm living with my parents right now.
Will have for about a year in May.
In the room where I grew up.
Cramming what had been a full life down to one room.
I haven't felt like socializing, crafting, or communicating. I've given up on most of my hobbies, due to lack of space, time, money, and biggest of all, energy. I've been struggling with a really brutal depression.
Toy buying has been my hardest compulsion to give up, and the lack of space compounds the self-loathing after I buy something. Every little set of plastic eyes condemns me: "You could have used this money to pay down debt." "You'll never be happy again, stunted manchild." "We're why you will never have a meaningful relationship." etc.
I have to look at the bright side. My life won't always be like this. My debt was unexpected (herniated disk, unemployment), EVERYONE is getting hit by the recession. It's not just me. Toys aren't any less unworthy then Sports fandom, or fishing, or video games, or any other society-approved grown-man-hobby. Ten dollars on a transformer every month isn't going to break me. And I'm in a good place. I had a welcoming home to fall to. I have a roof, and food, and people who love me.
And if I do buy a toy now and again? I remind myself that a toy isn't just a disposable plaything. Toys are works of art. I'm fascinated by the thought and effort and engineering that goes into each one. The influences and inspiration, the marketing versus the concept. This goes on to inspire and encourage my own creative projects. This fascination I share with many other people.
I am better for it.
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